


You Will Be Loved

by nervecrash



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 00:55:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1709060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervecrash/pseuds/nervecrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Luke!"</p><p>He groans at the sound of the loud voice coming closer and rolls onto his stomach, burying his head into his pillow. Not another day, he thinks. It's too early to even think about getting up. He could use a few more hours of sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. #1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be just a one shot, but I turned out longer than I intended to, so now it has about three chapters. 
> 
> Also, I'm very aware that recently there have been a lot of sad stories in the 5SOS tag (mostly inculding self-harm and suicide attempts and stuff like them) and I might be yet another one. But it doesn't end that sad? Also, I just posted another, less sad one, which you can read right [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1688729)

"Luke!"

He groans at the sound of the loud voice coming closer and rolls onto his stomach, burying his head into his pillow. Not another day, he thinks. It's too early to even think about getting up. He could use a few more hours of sleep.

"Luke, you really have to get out of bed now or else you're going to be late again." His mother is now inside his room. She is tapping her fingers against the doorframe. It is annoying Luke, so he turns around to show her that he is awake.

When she has disappeared from the room, he rolls out of bed with a grunt and starts to get ready for the day. He dreads every day of school. Everyone always stares at him like he is some sort of freak. He doesn't understand why. He hasn't done them anything.

The only plus side of school is the music room. It's usually empty during recess and he likes to sneak in sometimes. They have far more guitars than he does. He only has a beaten up one that used to belong to a friend of his mum's. He is saving up for a new one.

He does end up being late, but he doesn't mind. His algebra teacher gives him a scowl, but he is used to it by now. He takes a seat at the back of the class and zones out for the rest of the period. He can't help it.

He used to really try to pay attention, but he has given up a while ago. It simply doesn't interest him. And he has tried to, he really has. But his mind always wanders off to those guitars that are waiting so patiently for him.

But he is only able to sneak in the room during lunch break. His heart jumps when his ears don't meet complete silence, like usually, but the sound of a piano. It's not very good, though and the person curses a lot. It's definitely not a teacher.

Luke carefully takes a few steps until he can see the persons face. It's a boy about two years older than him with a face twisted in concentration. His hands move smoothly over the keys and then suddenly stop with another curse.

He recognizes the boy. He is a last years, but he doesn't know his name. He barely knows anyone’s name. He does know that he has a lot of friends, in contrary to Luke. He always sees him with a lot of different people.

The piano suddenly stops and the boy is looking straight at Luke. He realizes that he must have been staring. "Um -," Luke starts, but he doesn't know what he wants to say. He can't read the look in the boy's eyes and he hates to not know what he is thinking.

"I didn't know other people came here, too," the boy says without missing a beat. It doesn't sound unfriendly, but he is obviously feeling a lot more confident than Luke is. He doesn't know if the boy is genuinely surprised or if it's just a hint for Luke to leave.

"Quite often, actually," Luke mumbles and hopes that this is the right answer. He tries for a smile, but it feels weird. He immediately drops it. The boy only chuckles softly at him. Luke doesn't know if this is a good sign or not.

"Yeah?" he replies, taking his hands completely of the keys. "What do you play then?" Instead of opening his mouth to reply, Luke motions with his head towards one of the guitars. A grin spreads around the boy's mouth. "Play something."

Luke would have denied to do anything if the boy had asked him something else. But he feels confident with music. It's about the only thing he is pretty sure that he is good at.

He sits down and grabs the acoustic guitar he usually plays on. His fingers have been itching to finally touch the strings again. It goes far more smoothly than last night when he played on the beaten up one. This feels so much.

He quickly forgets about the other boy as he closes his eyes. The only thing he feels are his fingers on the strings, the only thing he hears are the chords flying in the air. Almost out of routine he starts to sing as well. "And my words are as timed as the beating in my chest."

When the last chords die away and he opens his eyes again, he remembers that he isn't alone. He immediately looks away from the boy's face. "That was awesome," the boy says a grin breaking out on his face. "You're awesome!"

"How about you?" Luke asks. He is starting to feel more comfortable around the boy. He is just being nice and he probably won't talk to Luke after this. But he usually doesn't talk at all while he is at school. It's a nice change.

“I’m not very awesome at the piano as you might have heard,” he says but he the grin doesn’t fade away. Luke wonders how the boy can look so fucking happy all the time. They’re in school, for Christ’s sake. But it is kind of nice grin to see. “I actually play the drums.”

Luke looks around, but there are no drums in the music room. It’s a pity, because he would love to hear the boy play. He doesn’t look like a guy he would drums with his soft smile and sparkling eyes behind those glasses.

Before Luke can think of anything to say, the bell rings and the boy jumps up from his seat. He is really quick. “I have to go,” he says while pulling the sleeves of his grey hoodie down. “I’m Ashton, by the way. And you are?”

“Luke.”

“I’ll remember that,” Ashton says with a wink and then disappears out of the room. Luke stays there for a few more minutes, thinking about what just happened. He isn’t quite sure if Ashton was just being friendly to him or if he actually liked Luke.

It’s weird to think that somebody would actually like him. He is always closed off from the world and doesn’t talk anyone. People look at him like his some sort of freak. He is quite normal, really. But people can’t know if he doesn’t tell them.

But there is something about this Ashton guy. His kind smile trickles something in Luke. It makes him want to interact with the other boy and not just shut down like he usually does. He doesn’t feel so abnormal around Ashton.

Luke quickly shakes his head. What is he even thinking? He doesn’t actually know Ashton. Maybe he is a massive asshole and just pretended to be nice to the silly, lonely freak. Maybe he didn’t know what to do, Luke just walked in on him.

He is late once again and this time he is sent to the principal. It’s not the first time he is there, especially not for being late. The older man is looking over the edges of his glasses at Luke and he doesn’t look very pleased. Luke has seen that look before.

“This can’t go on, Lucas,” he says. Luke closes his eyes. He knows what is going to come. He has heard this a few times now. It doesn’t really change anything, though. “And your grades aren’t that great, either. Something has to change, Lucas.”

Luke sighs, but doesn’t say anything. In his mind he has stood up against the principal a thousand times now, but he doesn’t dare to voice his opinion out loud. “I don’t know what to do with you anymore,” the principal says. “I think we should have a chat with your parents.”

Luke almost groans, but he keeps quiet. The principal is waiting for a reply, but he knows he won’t get one. Luke never replies to anything he says. He sighs. “You can go now. And I don’t want to see you hear anytime soon, okay?”

Luke leaves without saying a word. Why would he? He hasn’t got anything useful to say. No one will ever think he is interesting. So he better keeps his mouth shut. He is quite done with today anyway, all he really wants to do is go home.

When he is finally able to go home, the first thing Luke does is grab his guitar. He throws his schoolbag aside and doesn't look at it anymore for the rest of the night. That is how it usually goes. And that's why his grades aren't so great, either.

But this time he is interrupted by his mother. She doesn't look too pleased with him. He doesn't like the angry frown he is seeing on her face. "Your principal called," she says and he doesn't miss the angry undertone in her voice. "You're late all the time. Your grades are dropping once again."

She sighs, rubbing her hands over her tired eyes. Luke doesn't want to hurt his mother, but he really couldn't be bothered with school whereas she seems to find so important. "I don't know what to do," she says when she looks up again.

Luke can see the tears glistering in her eyes. He doesn't want them to spill. "I don't know what to do to make you study," she continues, gently taking the guitar out of his hands and taking a seat next to him on his bed. "I don't know what to do to make school interesting."

She can't do anything. He doesn't want to do anything with his life that he needs school for. All he wants to do is be a musician, make his living out of performing. This is his dream. Once he has got money for a proper guitar he will try and do anything to make this dream come true. Nothing is going to stop him then.

"Is there something that I should know, Luke?" his mum asks. "Something that is going on? You know you can tell me anything, sweetheart. You know you don't have to be afraid. I'm here for you, I always will be."

"I'm not afraid, mum, it simply doesn't interest me," he says, pushing the hands that grabbed his away. The look in her eyes is hurt and a tear finally starts to spill. He follows it with his eyes until it drips off her face. "I know it's not what you want for me, but I just want to do something with music."

His mum sighs once again and gets up from his bed. "We've talked about this before, Lucas. You know that it's impossible. You can't make a living out of playing guitar." She doesn't wait for answer before she leaves the room.

Luke just sits there for a while, staring at the spot his mother was just a few moments ago. He knows that she only wants the best for him, but sometimes she is just wrong. Sometimes she just has to let Luke do his thing. It’ll work out in the end.

\--

Luke doesn't arrive too late the following day. He does it to please his mum, but he doesn't think he will be able to keep it up. The less he is at school, the better he feels. Naturally, his mood drops quickly today.

He is looking down at his feet dragging over the tiles in the hallway when he bumps into someone. He drops his books to the ground. "Look out, you moron," the guy he bumped into says. It's a last years with a stupid grin on his face.

Luke drops his eyes again, but he doesn't miss the curly haired lad from the music room in the process. He looks up again, mentally asking Ashton for help. But there is no flicker of recognition in his eyes. Yesterday, Ashton seemed to be a friendly guy, but apparently he's not.

Luke crouches down to grab his books and walks past the little group of last years with his head hanging again. He doesn't understand. Ashton was so nice to him yesterday and now he doesn't even know who he is. Maybe he realized that Luke is the weirdo of this school and doesn't want to talk to him anymore.

When lunchtime comes around and Luke enters the music room, Ashton isn’t there. He can’t really blame him. Luke wouldn’t return for himself, either. But he can’t help but feel a bit sad about it. He liked talking to Ashton, even if it were just a few words.

It’s nothing really new, spending his lunch time in the music room all alone. He is not interrupted, either. No one minds that is missing from the canteen. No one ever comes looking for him. He wonders if they even notice. Why would they?

That’s just how it goes. He is always on his own. He never had the guts to go and talk to someone. No one ever bothered to come talk to him. Since then everyone just thinks that he’s weird. Since then he has been all alone.

Home is not much of a difference. His two older brothers have gone to university. He only sees his dad a few times a year since his parents have gotten a divorce. The only one who is still left is his mum. But she has to work a lot, being the only breadwinner in the house.

But surprisingly enough, his mum is home when he gets back from school. She is cooking and wearing a dress, which is quite unusual. She smiles when she sees her son. “Go wash up,” she says. “We’re having someone over for dinner.”

Luke furrows his eyebrows at her, but she doesn’t notice. “Who?” he asks. “Like a guy?” To be honest, he doesn’t really like the idea of his mother with some other guy than his father. Even when it didn’t work out between them.

“Yes, a man, Luke,” she says while she turns to her pots and pans again. “Is that so weird?” Luke pulls a face. There are enough reason why it’s weird. She turns to her son again. “And I want you to behave.”

Luke rolls his eyes. He always behaves. “Go and lay the table for me,” his mum says with a big sigh. Luke starts to grab plates and cutlery to lay the table for his mother. This guy better be worth it.

Luke doesn’t say much when the guy arrives. It’s someone from his mother’s work. He introduces himself as Jim and Luke isn’t sure whether he likes him or not. It’s not the way he looks or something he says, but it just doesn’t feel right.

After dinner, Luke disappears upstairs. He has had enough of this guy and this dinner. It’s just awkward. His mum tries to make small talk all the time, but he is just not up for it. He doesn’t want to have some random guy over for dinner.

\--

It doesn’t happen very often, but besides ignoring Luke, some people also like to pick on him. There is this specific group of four guys from Year 11 that like to tease him. Usually Luke lets it all happen. It either satisfies them or makes them angry.

Today is one of those days that they get angry. It starts with one of their favourite nicknames. “Hey dickhead.” Luke doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even look up. That gives one of the guys the opportunity to shove him against a wall. The hallway is empty, the art hallway usually is, aside from Fridays.

“Don’t ignore me when I’m talking to you,” Charlie, the kid that shoved Luke against the wall, says. Luke looks up into the guy’s eyes, but doesn’t say anything. It seems to make him angry. The three other guys behind him snicker.

“Are you deaf or something?” Charlie almost yells in Luke’s ear. Luke simply shakes his head. He wonders if Charlie can read the fear in his eyes. He probably can and he probably enjoys it as well. He lives off of younger boy’s fear.

“You little moron,” he hisses. Then his knee shoots up and he kicks Luke in the guts. Tears immediately spring into his eyes and coughs, groaning in pain. “I wanna see if you’d still ignore me when you’re on the ground.”

He lets go of Luke’s collar to punch him in the face. Luke’s knees almost give out and he barely holds up, as he feels blood gushing out of his nose. Even though he is used to it by now, he still doesn’t understand why? Why wouldn’t they just leave him alone? It’s pathetic enough already.

“What’s going on?” It’s a new voice. It doesn’t sound mean, but rather concerned. Luke can’t see a face, his eyes are only half open and Charlie is blocking his view. “Are you beating him up? Are you crazy?”

Even though he can’t see a face, Luke knows who it is. He is not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that Ashton showed up. He would rather meet him in other circumstances, when he isn’t beaten half to death.

The group of bullies doesn’t answer Ashton. Luke isn’t sure why, probably because Ashton is cool and older. it's easier for them to grab someone who is dorky and younger. He makes the perfect victim for them.

“Get off him.” Charlie moves out of the hallway and Luke can finally see Ashton’s face. When his eyes meet Luke’s, his expression changes from anger into sympathy. Luke feels pathetic and his knees finally give out.

Ashton moves closer and crouches down in front of the younger boy. “How long have they been bothering you?” he asks quietly. Luke isn’t sure. As long as he can remember, actually. But he doesn’t reply. Instead he looks away from Ashton’s face.

Ashton just caught him in his most vulnerable position. He doesn’t want to look weak, even though he knows he is. He always has been. And even though other people don’t tell him, he knows they think it, too.

“Come on,” Ashton says when he doesn’t get an answer. He reaches out to give Luke a hand. “We have to get you to the infirmary.” That must be the last place Luke wants to be at. The nurse is going to ask question he doesn’t want to answer.

But he doesn’t tell Ashton that, he might ask questions, too. He doesn’t feel like telling anyone that het gets bullied. He doesn’t want to tell that it isn’t the first time. He doesn’t to face the fact that he is alone and that no one likes him.

“What happened to you now?” the nurse asks when Ashton and Luke walk into her office. She eyes Luke’s bloody nose. He has got a hand over it, but there is already blood dripping down and onto his lips.

Ashton opens his mouth, but Luke cuts him off before he can say anything. “I ran into door.” He looks at Ashton from the corner of his eyes. Ashton closes his mouth and looks a little defeated. Luke immediately feels bad for lying.

The nurse raises an eyebrow at him. “Well, that’s not very smart,” she says, starting to clean off the blood from Luke’s nose and lips. She looks at Ashton. “You’re job is done here, you can go back to class.”

Ashton merely nods his head and turns to leave. Luke only looks up when he hears the doors slamming shut. An unpleasant feeling settles in his stomach. Maybe he should have told the nurse the truth.

After fifteen minutes, Luke is allowed to leave the infirmary. He’s got some sort of cotton ball in his nose and it feels awkward. It probably looks quite stupid, too. He takes it out, even though the nurse told him not to. His nose isn’t even bleeding anymore.

His class has already started, but he has a note that says he was at the infirmary. Though, he doesn’t go. He is quite done with today. His nose and stomach hurt, he is feeling awful and he feels bad for being so distant to Ashton earlier. He is just not used to people being kind to him at school. And even though it’s nice, just doesn’t know how to handle it.

He can’t go home, either. His mum – for once – has taken the day off. She wouldn’t allow him to not be at school and send him back. She wouldn’t appreciate it and they would get into a fight again. He’s tired of fighting his mother. He loves her, but sometimes she just doesn’t understand.

He could wait in the parking lot for the final bell to ring. But that would be a long time of doing absolutely nothing. He doesn’t really know where he could go outside the school. So eventually he decides to see if the music room is empty.

It’s weird to see the hallways so quiet. Usually it’s packed with students who are talking loudly and are generally making a lot of noise. It’s a nice change, this quietness. It makes him feel way calmer. Something school has never done to him before.

He balls his hand into a fist when he softly knocks on the door. He wishes he had done this earlier to Charlie’s face. But doesn’t have the guts. He never has the guts to do anything. He’s quite a coward, actually. He wishes he could be as brave as Ashton was when he stood up for him.

And he didn’t even thank him.

There’s no reply, so he opens the door and is met with complete silence. He smiles. He feels like this is where he belongs. He grabs his favourite guitar and immediately starts playing. He doesn’t stop when the bell rings and he can hear the hallways filling with people. He doesn’t stop when the second bell rings announcing the last period of the day.

He only stops when someone coughs behind him. It’s Ashton and Luke didn’t expect to see him there. Ashton’s voice is soft when he speaks. “Hi.” It makes Luke a bit sad, because he looks sad, too. “I didn’t expect you to be here, to be honest,” he says. “I thought you might have gone home.” Luke frowns a bit. How could Ashton know that he actually wanted to go home? “I would’ve.”

“I didn’t say thank you,” Luke suddenly blurts out. It’s not what he had planned to say. But it makes Ashton smile, so it might have been the right thing to say. Ashton has a nice smile and he wants to see more of it.

Ashton laughs. “Is that why you didn’t go home?” he asks. “Because you wanted to thank me?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “That’s ridiculous. But you’re welcome.” Luke smiles and he didn’t think he could, actually.

He doesn’t really know what else to do, he doesn’t really know what to say. But the smile seems enough for Ashton. “Can I ask you something?” he says. Luke merely nods his head. “Why are you always here?”

Luke doesn’t say anything for a while. Why is he always here? “Because my guitar at home isn’t half as good as this one,” he says. It’s true, but he is also here because no one knows he’s here. No one bothers him. No one looks at him weirdly. “But you’re here, too.”

He said it and he is not even scared of the reply. Ashton smiles before he answers. “I like to practice in a quite space,” he says. “Home is quite… hectic.” Luke doesn’t ask what hectic means. It seems quite personal and he doesn’t expect Ashton to spill his life story to some stupid kid from Year 10.

They don’t talk about home anymore after that. The music interests both of them more. He actually speaks a lot and his voice isn’t even sore afterwards. He learns that Ashton doesn’t only play the drums and piano, but also the guitar and sax.

“We should jam sometime,” Ashton says as they’re walking over the parking lot. It’s way after the final bell and Luke didn’t expect that he would ever stay at school for so long. And the strange thing is that he doesn’t even mind it.

Jamming with Ashton sounds lovely. He is really eager to hear him play the drums. It’s weird, though. No one ever asked him to jam. He never played with someone else before. It’s strangely satisfying that Ashton wants to do this. “Sure,” he replies.

“Cool, I’ll see you later,” Ashton says before they part their ways. Luke can’t get Ashton out of his head for the rest of the walk home. He is really nice to Luke and it makes him all fuzzy and warm inside.

“You’re late,” is the first thing he hears when he enters the living room. His mother is standing in the middle with her hands on her hips. She looks quite angry, even though he is not that late. “Where have you been?”

Luke shrugs his shoulders. “I just talked to a friend,” he says, already heading up the stairs. He isn’t sure if he is able to call Ashton a friend, but it would be too hard to explain this to his mother. She wouldn’t understand anyway.

“Lucas, I’m not done with you yet,” she says. But Luke ignores her and heads towards his room.


	2. #2

To say he is nervous, is an understatement. Luke is in front of Ashton’s door, hesitating to press that goddamn bell. He is not nervous because it’s Ashton. Ashton has been friendly so far and Luke doesn’t think he would murder him.

He is nervous because he hasn’t done anything like this before. When he was younger he never went on a playdate. He never had sleepovers with a friend. He simply didn’t have a friend. It never really bothered him until now.

His sweaty hand clutches the strap of his guitar case tighter as his finger finally presses the bell. Then the only thing he can hear is his ragged breathing and the cars passing by. What if no one opens the door? Maybe is Ashton not even home.

The front door opens with a little creak. A young woman with blond hair stands in the opening and looks questioningly at Luke. “Yes?” she asks. There is no recognition in her eyes that her son has invited someone over. What if he is at the wrong house?

Luke swallows the heavy lump in his throat away. “Um, I’m here for Ashton,” he says, looking at his shoes. He dares to look up for a moment and she smiles at him. Maybe he isn’t at the wrong house after all.

“Of course,” she says, the sweet undertone audible in her voice. “Come in. Just walk through. Ashton’s room is right at the back, you won’t miss.” She closes the door behind Luke and then walks towards what he assumes is the kitchen.

Luke looks around. Just walk through, right at the back. He can’t miss it. Luke understands what she meant when he arrives at a hall across the living room. There is only one door with a huge poster of a band.

Luke knocks on the door. There is a lot of noise in the room, but no one opens the door. He knocks again. “come in,” he hears Ashton’s voice shouting. He opens the door only to see Ashton running around his room like a madman with clothes and pieces of paper in his arms.

“What are you doing?”

“Speed cleaning,” Ashton replies, dumping the clothes in a corner. “You are exactly on time and I am way too late.” Was he supposed to come too late then? Did he do this thing all wrong? Like he said, he isn’t used to this.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles. Ashton stop running around as he drops the last of his paper in the bin and looks at Luke. It makes Luke feel a bit uncomfortable. He did something wrong and he doesn’t know what or how to right it.

“What are you sorry for?” Ashton asks. “It’s okay to be on time, you know. That’s why I gave you this specific hour.” Ashton laughs. “You’re an idiot.” Luke doesn’t mind because it didn’t even sound mean.

“Okay,” he says. But he will remember to be a little late next time. If there will be a next time. There’s a great chance that he will blow this up and won’t ever be able to look Ashton in the face again.

Luke discovers all kinds of things about Ashton during their jam session. Ashton likes to talk a lot and he doesn’t need a lot of response. Some people who talk a lot are annoying, but strangely enough, Ashton is not one of those.

Ashton also laughs a lot. He doesn’t need much to go off, because Luke doesn’t really consider himself that funny. He laughs in a lot of different kind of ways and Luke thinks that each one is greater than the one he heard before.

Luke has to say he is impressed with Ashton’s drumming skills. He didn’t really know what to expect from him, but he didn’t think it would be this good. It’s obvious to Luke how much Ashton enjoys to play the drums.

“I’m getting thirsty of all this,” Ashton says, getting up from his drum stool. “Would you like something to drink?” Luke isn’t all that thirsty and shakes his head no. But he does follow Ashton towards the kitchen. He would feel awkward staying behind in his room all alone.

Ashton grabs a bottle of water and takes a seat at the kitchen table, motioning for Luke to take a seat as well. “It’s a shame that you’ve been hidden all that time,” Ashton says and he giggles a bit, but tries to hide behind his hand. “If been looking for someone with a bit of talent for a while now.”

“It’s more like a lot of practice than talent,” Luke replies, looking away from Ashton. Luke’s been playing guitar as long as he can remember and he has had a lot of time to practice. In the beginning he wasn’t all that good. He probably still isn’t all that good. He just enjoys to do it so much.

Ashton laughs. “I highly doubt that,” he says. “I recognize someone with talent.” Luke shrugs his shoulders and wonders at the same how Ashton can look so happy all the time. Even when Luke feels happy, he definitely can’t show it like Ashton does.

“You’re quite talented, too,” Luke says. He doesn’t look Ashton in the eyes when he says that and he feels his cheeks turn red. Was that the wrong thing to say? It sounds smooth and normal when Ashton says, but he says it, it sounds forced and wrong.

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing for a while,” he says. He laughs again. Luke doesn’t know where it’s coming from, but it seem a problem for Ashton. It all comes so easily. It would probably hurt his throat if Luke would laugh.

Ashton’s face turns serious. He looks at Luke for a while before opening his mouth again. “You don’t talk much, do you?” he says. Luke feels his heart skip a beat. What is he supposed to reply to that? It’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t have any friends.

Luke looks down again. “I don’t really have anyone to talk to,” he says, waiting for Ashton to let out that laugh again. Ashton is the complete opposite of Luke. He has a lot of friends, probably a dozen girls at his feet. He talks to people all the time.

The laugh doesn’t come. “You have me to talk to,” Ashton replies. Luke looks up for second to Ashton gently smiling at him. He shakes his head, though. It’s not all that true. It would be so awkward for him to go up to Ashton in school and just start talking with him. What would he even say?

“There are plenty more people that you would rather talk to then me,” he says. Ashton has a little frown on his face and Luke wonders what he is thinking right now. “Or people would wonder why someone like you would talk to someone like me. It wouldn’t be right.”

“I don’t understand thought,” Ashton says. “I’m talking to you right now. I don’t see a problem.”

“Yeah, but there is no one around to laugh at you for talking to me,” Luke replies and it sounds harsher than he intended it to be. “There is no around to laugh at the little freak that is making a fool out of himself.”

The look on Ashton’s face is almost one of distress and Luke doesn’t know what to do. He is starting to feel uncomfortable. This is going the completely wrong way. “I don’t understand why you would put yourself down so much?” Ashton says.

It’s silence for a while. Luke doesn’t look up anymore. He doesn’t want to see the look on Ashton’s face anymore. He fiddles with the hem of his shirt and he just wants to go home. How did he screw this up so much? “It’s not that hard,” he almost whispers and he isn’t sure if Ashton heard him or not.

Suddenly Ashton grab his wrist and Luke flinches, immediately pulling his arm away from him. He doesn’t understand what just happened. He can’t read the look in Ashton’s eyes anymore when he says: “I think it’s better that you go home.”

Luke couldn’t get away fast enough.

\--

Ashton stirs slightly when a hand gently shakes him awake. He cracks his eyes open, but his room is almost pitch dark. “Ash, you have to get up,” his mother whispers. “It’s almost six and I have to get going.” He sighs.

It feels like it’s getting earlier every morning. His mother has to go work super early and he has to get up as well, because he has to look after his younger siblings. Since his father isn’t around anymore, he has gotten that job as the oldest.

With another sigh, he throws the blankets off of his body. His mother smiles at him before she kisses his forehead and leaves. He hates to do this every day and she knows it, too. It makes her feel bad, which makes him feel bad.

When he gets downstairs to make breakfast, he turns on the radio. He hates the silence. It makes him think too much, makes him think about things he rather would not be thinking about. Like that fact that his grades are dropping continuously and it disappoints his mother.

Or the fact that even though he has a lot of friends, he mostly feels lonely at school. The people he is friends with are okay people, but sometimes they act like dicks. He doesn’t think their jokes are all that funny and they like to make fun of the younger grades. He can banter with them, but he can’t actually talk with them.

Sometimes that is all he needs.

There is also his father, who made him feel like the most useless human being until he left. He still often wonders what he has done wrong? He tried everything to make his dad proud, but apparently he made all the wrong choices.

Then there is Luke Hemmings. The boy is one big mystery to him. He doesn’t know what the fuck happened yesterday, but it fucked things up. Luke seems sad. And maybe lonely as well. Ashton doesn’t know if that’s a problem for Luke, but he seemed happier yesterday. Until Ashton decided to ask the wrong questions and fuck it all up.

He is just concerned. It doesn’t seem healthy to him for a boy of the age of sixteen to be so lonely all the time. People are made to socialize. Although it doesn’t occur to be Luke’s own choice. Not all the time, at least.

Ashton doesn’t know what to think. The thought of Luke messes with his mind. He shakes his head and turns up the radio. He wishes he could go back to bed, but instead he has to finish these sandwiches before he siblings wake up.

He feeds them, helps them dress and walks them to school every morning, before he gets to school himself. After school, he picks them up again and makes dinner for them. He tries to do his homework while watching them. They’re usually already in bed when his mother gets home and he feels too tired to finish up his schoolwork.

Luckily the weekends are bit calmer and he has got some time to himself or spend it with his friends. Spending time with his friends usually means going to a party. Which usually ends in him getting too drunk and regretting it the next day. Especially when his mother’s prying eyes are constantly on him.

Today is an awful day. It’s raining and he rushes his little brother and sister to get them to school. He is soaked by the time he arrives in class. His friends decide to pick on this little boy from Year 10 who’s got big front teeth. Ashton wishes he could escape them for a while.

He does so during lunch. He goes the music room. He only recently discovered that door is always unlocked and he has been there a few times to take a breather and to try and calm himself down. He knows he comes across as a cheery person, but he isn’t all that cheery when you think about it.

Ashton didn’t know what he was thinking, but he could have expected for Luke to be there, too. Apparently Luke spends all his lunch periods in the music room. He doesn’t know if he wants to face Luke after what happened the previous day. It is probably considered rude what he did.

But sometimes he feels like he can’t take it and that was one of those moments. He smiles, though, when the younger boy looks up at him, a surprised and maybe even scared look in his eyes. He pulls nervously at the sleeves of his hoodie and he hopes that Luke doesn’t notice. “Hi,” he says nonchalantly.

Luke doesn’t say anything. His fingers are stilled on the strings of the guitar, but he doesn’t look at Ashton anymore. He shoes seem way more interesting and they probably are. “What are you doing?” Luke mumbles, surprising Ashton. He still doesn’t look up, though.

“What do you mean what am I doing?” Ashton asks. He doesn’t understand it, he doesn’t understand Luke. Doesn’t matter how hard he wants to. “I just wanted to practice a bit on the piano. I’m not that talented.” He tries to make it sound like a joke, but Luke doesn’t laugh at all.

He wonders what is going through his mind. He feels like it doesn’t work like a normal brain. He is probably thinking that he did something wrong. He is probably putting himself down again and Ashton hates it.

He casually tries to glance at Luke’s wrists, but his sleeves are pulled down. He rubs his own and decides to take a seat next to Luke. He sighs. “I’m sorry about what I did the other day,” Ashton says. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Luke looks at him from the corner of his eyes. “I just don’t understand what happened,” he replies softly. Ashton didn’t really explain, either. He just told him to go home, which might have been rude of him. Grabbing his wrists to check if he cuts himself might have been rude, too.

“There’s a lot I don’t understand, either,” Ashton says with a soft smile. He doesn’t really get a reaction out of Luke, but at least he doesn’t run away, either. “You for example. I don’t understand you.”

This time Luke does look up. He looks surprised. “I’m pretty easy to figure out, though,” he says. “I’m that freak without any friends.”

Ashton snorts. “Is that how you see yourself?” he asks. “Because that’s where I think you’re wrong. There’s more to you than just that.” He pauses for a second to look at Luke before he softly continuous. “Do you feel lonely?”

Luke looks away again as he shrugs his shoulders. “I do,” Ashton whispers. Luke makes a soft surprised sound, but doesn’t say anything. “I feel lonely all the time. Call me a weirdo, but the only time when I don’t feel lonely is when I’m with you.

“The stupid thing is that I don’t know you all that well. You don’t say that much. But I feel like the things you do say aren’t useless shit. You actually say things. Does that make sense? Or do I sound crazy right now?”

“You do sound crazy,” Luke says, but he is smiling a bit. “Why are you lonely, though? You have a lot of friends, hell everyone likes you. No one bullies you, you have no one calling you names. You look so happy.”

Ashton gives him a sideway smile. “You know what they say, never judge a book by its cover,” he replies. “Friends sometimes don’t make you feel any less lonely. I feel like I’m not one of them, you know. They talk, but they don’t say anything.”

“But I do?” Luke asks.

Ashton nods his head. “I’ve know these people for quite some time now and I’ve never talked with them like this. I know you what? A week and a half maybe and you’ve said more things than they probably will in their whole life.”

Luke smiles and it’s the first genuine smile that Ashton has seen of him. “I think you’re pretty damn awesome.” He even laughs and Ashton laughs along with him. “I still don’t understand what happened the other day.”

Ashton thought that he might have gotten away from that subject, but he guesses not. He rubs his eyes and sighs. “Okay, you have to pull up your sleeves,” he says. He can’t read the look in Luke’s eyes “I’ll pull mine up at the same time.”

Luke’s eyes fill slightly with something Ashton assumes is fear, but he nods his head slowly. Ashton is scared, too though. He grabs his sleeve and slowly pulls it up, revealing some of the angry red lines he has marked his body with.

He hears Luke gasp and looks at the younger boy’s clean wrist. Luke doesn’t cut himself, Ashton does. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. They were supposed to deal with the same problem. Ashton didn’t want to be the only mad one.

Ashton pulls his sleeve down and gets up. “I have to go.”

\--

Luke sits alone in the music room. The past few days have been weird to him. He can’t get the image of Ashton’s battered arm out of his head. He doesn’t understand how he could be so wrong about the boy.

Ashton looked like the happiest person to him. His life seemed perfect. He had a lot of friends around him, who joke around with him. He smiled all the time. His mother is a super sweet woman. Luke was so jealous of him.

But none of that is true. Ashton is _lonely_. He hurts himself. And Luke doesn’t know how to handle that. Ashton doesn’t deserve any of that. He shouldn’t feel lonely. He has made Luke feel less lonely. He has been kind to him, while everyone else thought he was a freak. Ashton didn’t judge him, which is all has needed.

And now he has run away from Luke. He is ashamed of himself. Luke doesn’t want anything more than to mend his broken heart. But he doesn’t know how? He has never dealt with someone else’s problems before. No one ever cared that much to come to him with their problems.

Luke isn’t sure how Ashton feels. He is lonely, but there must be more to it than just that? Luke has been lonely for so long and never really thought about self-harm before. But maybe that is just because he is pathetic and is even too scared to hurt himself.

Luke gets up when the bell rings. He doesn’t really want to, but he knows he should. He can’t be failing worse than he already is. He will get into fights with his mother again and he is just too tired to anything at all.

In English, Mrs. Falcone passes the class all a piece of paper. “The talent show is coming up soon,” she tells the class, “and we would like to see as many people as possible showing off their talent this year.”

Luke looks at the sheet on his desk. Maybe he should try out for once this year. He isn’t going to make it anywhere in the music industry if no one knows about him. He ponders for a minute, before writing down his name on the entering form.

The boy at the desk next to him nudges him. “What is your talent,” he asks. “Making a fool out of yourself?” The boy snickers and Luke’s shifts his gaze away from him with his cheeks burning bright red. He is about to draw a line through his name.

“Shut up, dickhead,” someone else says and Luke looks up. Is someone defending him? “Luke is more talented at playing guitar than you at wiping your ass.” The brown haired boy at Luke’s other side is giving the other guy at death glare. He turns away.

“Thanks,” Luke mumbles.

The boy smiles. “Don’t let them run over you,” he says, before turning away from Luke. Maybe they’re not all that bad, Luke thinks. Maybe don’t think they’re all a freak. But he does wonder how the boy knows that Luke plays the guitar. He never really told anyone before.

After class Luke is feeling a boost of confidence and runs after the brown haired boy. “Hey,” Luke calls out. The boy and his friend stop and turn around to look at Luke. He doesn’t really know what to say anymore. So he goes with: “Thanks again.”

“No problem.”

Luke is starting think that this wasn’t a good idea. What is he supposed to say now? “Um, how did you know I play the guitar?” he asks. Luke isn’t even sure of the boy’s name, which might seem ignorant. He guesses he knew at one point, but forgot eventually.

The boy smiles. “You’re not the only one who sometimes goes to the music room,” he says. Luke is surprised. He never noticed anyone else in the music room. Usually he is pretty caught up in playing guitar to pay much attention. But he thought he would have seen if there was another person.

“Oh, okay,” Luke says. Again he is left clueless as to what to say. This is why he doesn’t have any friends. This is why people think he is a freak. He feels like an idiot standing there, the other boy expecting him to say something more sensible than ‘okay’.

Then he leaves. He’s got a nagging feeling at the pit of his stomach. For once, somebody was actually being nice to him and then he does this. But he does remember to check for someone the next time he is in the music room. He might see the boy play then.

He doesn’t talk to anyone the rest of the day, though. The boy isn’t in any of his other classes and Ashton is trying to avoid him at all costs. Luke even noticed him making a ninety degree turn when saw him. Other people aren’t nice enough to talk to him.

He is happy when he is finally able to go home. It is painful how Ashton is so obviously avoiding him. He doesn’t understand why, though. Is Ashton ashamed? Does he think that Luke would be laughing at him? Because that is ridiculous. If there is someone who should be laughed at it’s him, not Ashton.

When he gets home, he doesn’t only find his mother there, but also both of his brothers and the man who came to dinner last week. He isn’t too sure of his name anymore. It doesn’t matter anyway, because he didn’t like the guy. Simply because it is not his father.

To say that is Luke is surprised is an understatement. His brothers go to university and rarely come home for the weekend. Luke wonders if there’s something going on? And why is that man here? His mum hadn’t spoken of him anymore, so he thought that she didn’t like him so much after all.

“It’s nice of you to join us, Lucas,” his mother says as she smiles warmly at him. “You remember Jim, don’t you?” Luke looks at the man. Of course he remembers him. He’d rather not, though. He nods his head and takes a seat next to his brother Jack. He doesn’t really want to. But the look of his mother told him so.

“Is there something going?” Luke asks, feeling a bit worried. Actually, he doesn’t really want to hear. He has this unpleasant feeling at the pit of his stomach. This doesn’t predict anything good. “Why are Ben and Jack here?”

“Mum wanted to introduce us to her new boyfriend,” Ben says. Luke makes a sound, but tries to disguise it as a cough. Boyfriend? When did that happen? Why didn’t she tell him anything? He thought they just met. This is definitely not what he wants.

“Go wash up,” him mum says. “We’re leaving for dinner soon.” Going to dinner with his mother and her new boyfriend is kind of the last thing he wants to do. He doesn’t want her to have a new boyfriend at all. He wants her to be together with his dad. But it doesn’t seem like that is ever going to happen again.

So instead he runs upstairs to wash up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'll post the last part tomorrow! (:


	3. #3

A feeling of relief washes over Luke when can finally slip into the music room Monday during lunch. The weekend has been horrible. Jim stayed the whole weekend at their house. It’s not that he is an unfriendly guy, but Luke feels uneasy around him. It fucks him up, because he can’t even feel comfortable at home anymore.

His mum wasn’t any help, either. Luke was trying to avoid Jim as much as possible, but his mum wanted them to socialize with each other. She wanted them to get along, and Luke understands, he really does. But he doesn’t think he will be getting along with any guy that his mum dates that isn’t his father.

So naturally, it’s a relief when he is finally able to slip into the comfort and silence of the music room. He looks around, but the boy – he figured out this morning in English that his name is Calum – isn’t there. Neither is Ashton.

It would be stupid to go to the music room if Ashton really wants to avoid Luke. It doesn’t surprise him that much that he isn’t there. However, it does disappoint him a bit. He wants to tell Ashton that he shouldn’t be ashamed of what he showed Luke the other day. But he is too scared to simply go up to him.

Luke wants to make a grab for his favourite guitar, but his eyes land on the piano. He remembers Ashton sitting behind that piano, cursing, when he first met him. Luke takes a seat. He once learned to play the piano, too, but he was really young and it’s been quite some time. He is more interested in the guitar now.

He tries to play one of the very first songs he learned. It’s not going a smooth as it used to, but he manages. It’s actually nice to feel the keys beneath his fingers once again. He didn’t remember to enjoy it this much.

“So now you play piano, too?” Luke stops playing and turns around abruptly to see who interrupted him. It’s Calum, who is grinning at him. Luke can’t help but smile, too. He doesn’t really know Calum. He is in his English class. He is usually pretty quiet, but sometimes he can hear him laugh with his friends.

“It’s been a long time,” he says.

“You’re alright.” Calum smirks. Luke wonders how it goes so easy for him. He is nice. He hasn’t said a mean thing to Luke, he hasn’t looked weirdly at him. He doesn’t understand how this happens all of sudden. First Ashton starts talking to him, now Calum. Did he change?

But he doesn’t mind, though. And he doesn’t mind either that he spends all of his lunch break talking with Calum about music and even other stuff. It goes smoothly. He isn’t walking on the tip of his toes, scared to say something wrong. It just goes by itself and it’s easy.

Luke never thought he would be able to do this. He thought that he would be a stuttering mess around people he doesn’t know for the rest of his life. Maybe it’s just because it’s Calum, but this is not hard at all. And he’s even enjoying it.

But obviously all good things come to an end, too. He feels a bit disappointed when the bell rings. He packs up his stuff and tells Calum bye. The hallways are emptying quickly and Luke suddenly feels so alone. Everyone is walking with their friends to their classes. He is surrounded by so many people, but no one even acknowledges him.

He is thinking about it for the rest of the day. He can’t help it. It puts a real dumper on his mood and he wishes he could just go home to play the guitar a bit. But he is trapped at school. Sometimes it really feels like prison. Everything is obligated.

When the last period has finally come to an end and he is putting his books way into his locker, he feels someone lightly tapping his shoulder. He turns around to see Ashton giving him a weak smile. Luke’s heart skips a beat. What is he doing?

“Could you walk with me for a bit?” Ashton asks, surprising Luke. It’s strange. Ashton has been avoiding him in the most obvious ways possible, but now he wants to walk with him? Luke feels so utterly confused that he can only nod his head. He doesn’t understand this boy.

Luke follows Ashton outside. They both remain silent and Luke is growing more nervous with each step their taking. He doesn’t know what Ashton wants. Is he supposed to say something? Does Ashton want to say something?

They’re on the streets now and Ashton finally starts talking. “I think I’ve been a bit of dick lately,” he says and it’s not what Luke expected. Ashton sighs and rubs his face. “I don’t really know how to say this. If it’s even a good idea to say anything at all.

“I don’t really know you, Luke. You’re kind of a mystery to me and you don’t open up very easily. But I guess – I guess kind of like that, because you can talk, like – like really talk. I’ve told you this before.” He rubs his face again. “You make me – I don’t know, you make me trust you in some kind of weird way – this doesn’t make any sense.

The thing is, I thought – this is going to sound bad – I thought you might be as fucked up as I am. Not fucked up, I mean – I don’t know how to say this nicely. I have problems, you probably noticed. And I thought, I _hoped_ – which is pretty bad – I hoped that you’d have the same problems.”

He lets out a sigh and remains silent for a while. Luke isn’t sure if he is finished yet or not. He doesn’t say anything. But then Ashton starts speaking again. “Sometimes I wished I didn’t have to deal with this on my own. But I – I can’t burden other people with my problems. I am burdening you right now and god, it – it makes me feel so bad. I’m really sorry.”

Luke is pretty sure that Ashton has finished talking now, but he still doesn’t say anything. He is trying to process everything Ashton just told him. The point is basically that Ashton feels lonely but he doesn’t want to. There is a lot of weight on his shoulders, but he doesn’t want anyone else to help him carry it.

“I probably sound crazy,” Ashton says, his voice only a low whisper. Luke wishes that he could help Ashton carry the weight. But he doesn’t know how, he doesn’t know what is dragging Ashton down. He doesn’t know how to pick him up.

“You do,” Luke says. Ashton looks at him, but Luke only smiles. “I don’t really mind, though.”

\--

“Have you ever been out, like to a party I mean?” Ashton asks. He is lying next to Luke on Luke’s bedroom floor. There is loud music blaring through his speakers, but he still can understand Ashton clearly.

Luke’s never been to party. It would be kind of pathetic. No one would invite him in the first place. And if he would actually be there, he would be alone and awkward. He wouldn’t know what to do or who to talk to.

“No.”

Luke can see Ashton grinning at him from the corner of his eye. It’s not a mean kind of grin, more like Ashton is up to something. Luke doesn’t know which grin he’d prefer. But he does know that he will land himself in some awkward situation.

“Would you like to come to a party with me this weekend?” Ashton asks. It sounds awfully a lot like he is asking him out, but Luke knows that’s bullshit. Obviously Ashton is only trying to be friendly once again, because Ashton is just that kind of guy.

Luke shakes his head no. What would he be doing at a party. He is too awkward to socialize and he is probably too much of a lightweight to handle alcohol. He will either feel awful or make a fool of himself and he doesn’t want to experience either. It’s a bad idea.

“You know, Lucas,” Ashton says, “This is why you don’t have any friends. You think you will fail before you even tried. Maybe it’s not that bad after all? Maybe you should just give it a shot. You can’t put yourself down all the time.” It’s actually kind of harsh, what Ashton says, but maybe he might have a point. But Luke still doesn’t really feel comfortable with the idea.

“I don’t want to end up with friends I don’t like and still feel lonely in the end,” Luke replies. He knows it’s kind of harsh, too, but he might also have point. Ashton shuts up after that. The room falls silent, aside from the loud music, and Luke wonders if he shouldn’t have said that.

“You know, you’re right, Luke,” Ashton says and he doesn’t sound hurt. Luke wonders if he is just covering up. “But I’m rethinking my choices. Why do you think I’m here?” Ashton grins at him for a second and Luke doesn’t really understand. Is Ashton trying to say that he finally found a friend he likes and that the friend is Luke.

“I’ll go with you to that stupid party,” Luke says as a way of thanking Ashton for what he just said. He considers Luke a friend. Luke never knew what it really felt like, but it feels pretty damn great to know that someone gives a shit about you.

“Awesome,” Ashton replies, punching his arm slightly.

And that it is how Luke ends up in an unfamiliar house packed with people he doesn’t know the following Saturday night. Ashton is standing next to him, chatting away with someone Luke has never seen before. Ashton is way too good at this and Luke isn’t.

Luke feels like a bother. He decides to leave Ashton with his friend and grab a drink instead. He isn’t too sure how much alcohol he can handle, but he doesn’t think one beer could hurt. It’s not like he’d never drank alcohol before either. Just not that much.

Ashton is giggling a lot when he joins him after a while. “You disappeared,” he says, grabbing Luke’s arm to steady himself. Luke wonders how much alcohol Ashton has consumed so far. Does he do this every weekend? Because it doesn’t seem really healthy. “Don’t disappear anymore.”

“I’m right here,” Luke mumbles, blaming the warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach on the beer. Ashton’s touch is warm, his fingers burning into Luke’s skin. He takes a sip from the bottle to distract him from the feeling.

Luke doesn’t know what Ashton is doing, but he is starting to invade Luke’s personal space. He has the urge to push him away, but he doesn’t. Even though his stomach is making a backflip, it also feels kind of nice having a warm body pressed up against his own. “You’re soft,” Ashton says quietly, almost as if he is falling asleep.

Luke really doesn’t know what is happening. Ashton is saying all kinds of weird things and Luke just likes it so much. The fuzzy feeling in his stomach is growing and he wants to wrap his arms around Ashton. But a little voice in his head is saying that this is all wrong.

“You’re also really pretty,” Ashton continues. Ashton is just completely wasted, Luke thinks. Otherwise none of this would be happening. He needs to clear his head, so he just downs the rest of his beer in one go.

“And I just really want to kiss you.” Luke’s heart skips a beat. He couldn’t have heard it right. But now he can’t stop thinking of kissing Ashton, how soft his lips would feel on his, how nice he would taste. Luke grabs another beer. What is he even thinking?

Ashton stands up again. “I’m not drunk enough for this,” he says and he wants to walk away from him, Luke can see it. But he doesn’t, instead him comes closer again. “Maybe it doesn’t matter,” is the last thing he says before he does actually kiss Luke.

Luke is surprised, shocked even and he doesn’t know what to do. Does he kiss him back or does he push him off? Ashton is obviously drunk, what if he doesn’t even want this and regrets it when he’s sober again. He won’t ever look Luke in the eye again.

But he can’t actually bring himself to do it. Instead he lets himself melt into Ashton’s touch and kisses him back. He can taste the beer on Ashton’s lips, but he doesn’t mind. It’s still nice. Ashton grabs his face and licks his bottom lip. His hands are sticky with sweat and Luke wonders if he is nervous.

Luke sure feels nervous. His stomach is going crazy. He doesn’t know what this feeling is, never felt it before. But it feels so goddamn good and doesn’t ever want to stop feeling it. He thinks that Ashton kissing him might play a part in this.

Ashton pulls away then. He looks into Luke’s eyes for a while, breathing hard and Luke never realized before how pretty Ashton’s eyes are. But then he grabs Luke’s beer and walks away from the younger boy, leaving him surprised.

Luke looks at Ashton walking away and wonders if he regrets it already. The fuzzy feeling turns into a sick feeling. He thinks that he might puke, but he doesn’t move. He grabs the kitchen counter until his knuckles turn white. He needs some fresh air.

He grabs another beer and heads outside. The air is warm still, even though it’s definitely past midnight already. The sound of the music is muted and the wind feels nice on his face. He takes a sip from the beer and thinks that he probably shouldn’t. He doesn’t want to end up like Ashton, doing something he will regret later.

It feels like a stab in his gut, Ashton walking away from him like that. He doesn’t want Luke at all, he just likes to mislead him. Likes to get his hopes up, only the stamp them into the ground afterwards. He’s probably laughing at the silly freak from Year 10 with his friends now.

Luke knows that it’s not true, but that is the only thing he can think about right now. That and the feel of Ashton’s lips on his. He wishes they were still there. He wishes he stopped Ashton from walking away. He wishes he stopped Ashton from kissing him.

He hears someone knocking on the window behind him and turns around. It’s Calum and he is grinning at him, motioning for him to come inside. Luke smiles. There is at least one person who still wants to be his friend.

Calum had definitely too many beers. His hair looks really fluffy and he is a bit sweaty. He is grinning and pulls look into a tight hug. Luke doesn’t really do anything, but let Calum hug him. “I didn’t know you would be here! This is so cool!” Calum yells too loudly.

“Ashton wanted me to come,” Luke says, but the thought only puts another dumper on his mood. Ashton wanted him to come, but left him alone in the end. He left him alone with a great amount of shitty feelings and Luke hates it.

“Who is Ashton?” Calum asks, but he doesn’t even wait for Luke’s answer. “Hey, this is my buddy Michael. He plays the guitar as well.” Calum motions at a blonde boy who is trying to chat up a girl. Luke isn't sure if it's working.

He doesn’t see Ashton in the following hour and spends his time with Calum and his friend Michael, who eventually didn’t successfully chat up the girl. He is a few beer further now and is starting to let go of the thoughts about Ashton when the boy finally turns up again.

All Ashton does is grabbing his arm and dragging him away from Calum and Michael. He isn’t looking at Luke and Luke doesn’t know where he is going. Stumbling over his feet, he just follows him until their outside. It finally has started to cool down.

“I kissed you,” Ashton says, ”And even though I don’t regret it, I shouldn’t have done it. I just can’t think straight anymore and you’re driving me crazy. I don’t even know how you do it, but you do.” Ashton is rambling and his words sound a bit slurred, but he looks fairly sober.

“I’m not good at this,” Luke says. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to. I don’t understand what I’m feeling. All that I know is that it’s nice.” He looks at Ashton. “You make me feel nice.” Ashton groans and spins in circle before looking at Luke again.

“You can’t say those kind of things, Luke,” he says. But Luke doesn’t care anymore whether the things he says are right or wrong. They’re the truth. “You’re driving me crazy.” It’s muttered and Luke can barely hear it. “What are you doing to me?”

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Luke asks softly. Ashton stops mumbling, breathing hard. He is rubbing at his wrists. Luke doesn’t understand what he is so worked up about. He has definitely had too many beers. It doesn’t seem very healthy.

“I honestly don’t know what I’m thinking,” Ashton says. “My thoughts are a complete mess and it’s all your fault.” He rubs his face. He tends to do that when he’s nervous, Luke noticed. I just really want to kiss you again, but I know I can’t.”

Luke’s heart jumps up. So Ashton didn’t really regret it? Why did he walk away then? Why didn’t he just keep kissing him then? There must have been something. Was it something Luke had done? Did he do it wrong again? “Why can’t you?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Because you don’t want to.”

“I never said that.” Luke’s words are barely pronounced before he is cut off by Ashton’s lips. He is rougher this time, but Luke doesn’t mind at all. He likes it either way. As long as Ashton is kissing him it’s fine.

Ashton’s hands find Luke’s hair, his fingers moving through the locks. Luke grabs Ashton’s shirt and pulls him a little bit closer. He loves the warmth he can feel through Ashton’s shirt. It’s comforting and nice. He could do this forever.

The taste on Ashton’s lips is stronger than the beer, although he looks soberer than before. Luke wonders how much he consumed thinking that Luke didn’t want him, when he couldn’t have been more wrong. He doesn’t even understand why Ashton would even think that.

There is still something nagging at the back of his brain. What if Ashton wakes up tomorrow, sober again, thinks that this was all a huge mistake. That his drunken mind had given him the wrong signals and he doesn’t even like Luke all that much.

He pulls back eventually, slightly out of breath. He looks at Ashton for a second before saying: “We probably should start to head home.” Ashton whines a bit, telling him that it’s still early, but Luke doesn’t give in. No matter how hard it is.

\--

Ashton wakes up from the headache he can feel growing stronger with each second. How much did he drink last night? The answer is definitely too much. It’s been a while since his hangover was this bad. And the bright sunlight isn’t really helping anything either.

He wants to roll over and try to sleep again when he bumps into something solid. Something like a person and he hopes he didn’t hook up again with someone last night. It makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable and he usually regrets it in the morning.

But when he takes a better look, he can see that it’s not someone he hooked up with, but it’s just Luke. Although – he quickly looks under the covers and sighs in relief when he sees that he’s still got his pants on. He doesn’t want to screw up this thing with Luke.

Even though he doesn’t really know what this thing with Luke exactly is anymore. He isn’t entirely sure what happened last night. They might have kissed and if they did, it probably wasn’t a bad thing. Otherwise he wouldn’t be lying in Luke’s bed.

He can feel a headache starting to form in the back of his head. He closes his eyes once more and thinks back about the events of last night. Kissing Luke is one of the best things he could have done. But he isn’t sure where they stand now. Did Luke mean it?

Ashton’s eyes fly open again. As much as he wants to, he can’t fall back to sleep. Luke is lying so close to him. He can’t bear to think that Luke wouldn’t mean any of it. That he is simply using him for own pleasure.

Luke isn’t that kind of person, he knows that. But his father has told him multiple times that it’s the all he’s good for. Maybe he doesn’t deserve someone as Luke. He can’t be selfish. He probably should get out of here.

He rubs his wrists and rolls out of the bed. A voice stops him when he is looking for his jeans. “What are you doing?” Luke’s morning voice is really deep and it makes Ashton regret wanting to leave. He rubs his wrists again.

“I have to pee,” Ashton replies as he pulls his jeans up. Luke only nods his head and crawls deeper into his cocoon of blankets. He hasn’t even opened his eyes yet. Ashton wishes he could just crawl back in with him. But he goes to the bathroom instead.

The first thing he notices is how clean the bathroom is. It’s never been this clean at his house. His mum simply doesn’t any time to clean. Ashton could never do it as well as this. Luke’s mum is probably around a lot. Did he meet her last night?

Ashton opens the cupboard and looks inside. He grabs a pair of scissors. He feels guilty doing this in Luke’s clean bathroom, but he can’t stop himself. It’s itching too much. He doesn’t deserve someone as Luke.

It stings when he presses the scissors against his thigh. He hisses. The scissors aren’t as sharp and it takes a lot more effort. He can’t stop, though. He has to do this. It’s the only thing he still can do. There’s nothing else he’s good at.

And he presses a little harder. He focuses on the pain instead of the thoughts in his head. The scissors are cold, but he can barely feel it. All he feels is pain. It’s the only thing he can think about and he can feel the relief washing over him.

He is breathing heavily by the time he takes the pair of scissors off of his thighs. He closes his eyes for a moment. It stings and it’s bleeding and he hopes he didn’t stain anything. It would be a waste of the clean bathroom.

He jumps when hears a knock on the door. “Ashton, are you alright? You’ve been in there for quite some time.” Luke’s voice sounds worried and Ashton can’t bear it. The scissors slip out of his hand and fall on the ground.

“Yeah, I’m alright. Just taking a shower if you don’t mind. I stink.” He laughs a bit but he doesn’t know if Luke finds it funny. But then hear hears Luke’s footsteps walking away and he turns on the shower. 

\--

Luke feels like utter shit. He is not that hungover, but he feels so tired. It’s like he’s only gotten an hour of sleep. And his beds looks so inviting. But he can’t leave Ashton downstairs alone with his mother forever.

“Good morning, love,” his mums says when he enters the kitchen. She’s folding the laundry while Ashton sits at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal in front of him. He flashes Luke a smile before shoving his spoon in his mouth.

Luke looks at Ashton’s lips. The lips that were pressed against his own last night. So soft, so warm and so persistent. And his tongue, warm and wet, against his own, moving, fighting him. Luke licks his lips, he can probably still taste him.

“Luke,” his mother’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts. He quickly averts his gaze from Ashton’s lips as he realises he has been staring. He hopes Ashton hasn’t noticed, he doesn’t want to make a complete fool out of himself. He’s done it enough before.

Luke goes to sit a t the table, opposite of Ashton, and tries to avoid his gaze as much as possible. He feels his cheeks reddening at the thought of last night. Was it all real? Was it serious? And what is he supposed to now?

Are they supposed to talk about it? Or can he just kiss Ashton freely? He didn’t realize before that he wanted this. And now he can’t stop thinking about it. Thinking about the way Ashton’s lips felt on his and how he wants more of it.

But does Ashton want it, too?

“I have to go soon,” Ashton says, making Luke look up at him. His bowl of cereal is empty and his gaze is fixated on Luke. He has a light smile playing around his lips, but Luke doesn’t understand it. What he doesn’t understand, either is how he fell for this boy without even realizing.

Ashton doesn’t have a lot of stuff with him, so Luke finds him standing at the front door fairly quickly. His hand are fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He is unsure of what to do or what to say. “You’re still nervous around me,” Ashton says in a soft tone.

Luke looks up at him. “I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. It could be because you want to impress me or it could be because you hate me.” It’s not definitely not the latter, Luke thinks. But Ashton is smiling anyway. 

“Whatever it is, don’t be nervous,” he says. He presses his lips against Luke’s for a second and then turns around to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that is it. I hope you liked and let me know what you think about it!


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I recently reread this story and I thought that the end might be a bit too open. I intended it to be open, but maybe it's a little too much. So I've decided to write a small epilogue. 
> 
> Here's a little insight as to what is going on in their lives now (I'm nervous):

Luke’s eyes flutter open when he feels gentle fingers touch the soft skin of his neck. The room is pitch dark, but he can immediately tell who the fingers belong to. They’ve become so familiar in the past few months. It surprises him that he isn’t tired of them yet.

“Luke.” Ashton’s voice is only a whisper. His breathing getting caught in the shell of Luke’s ear, making shivers run down his spine. “Luke, get up. You have to look at the sky.” Luke smiles. Only Ashton would wake him up in the middle of the night to look at the sky.

His eyes land on his alarm clock when he rolls over. “Ash, it’s three in the morning.” Ashton’s face is only slightly illuminated by the moonlight that slips through the curtain, but his bright smile is impossible to miss.

“I don’t care.” He pulls Luke’s arm to try and get him out of bed. It’s effortless and Luke’s out of bed in a matter of seconds. No matter what time it is, he finds it impossible to say no to that face. Sometimes it scares him what he would do, but mostly he enjoys the warm feeling in his gut.

Ashton pulls the curtains open in a swift motion, opening the window. A warm breeze strokes Luke’s face and he closes his eyes, sniffing the scent of summer. When he opens his eyes again, he looks at the sky. A vast pitch of darkness decorated with tiny, shiny dots.

Beside him, Ashton lets out a sigh. “Isn’t it beautiful?” he asks, his voice soft and in awe. “So mysterious. I could stare at it forever.” His fingers brush against Luke’s wrist, grabbing it for a second. His eyes sparkle brightly when he looks at Luke.

Luke can’t grasp it. This boy, he doesn’t even know. He makes Luke feel things he didn’t even know were possible. Without even doing anything. And he doesn’t understand. But he feels like he doesn’t need to. Knowing is enough.

Ashton’s hand starts slipping down, his fingers intertwining with Luke’s. His other hand grabbing Luke’s hip and pulling him closer. Luke just lets him, his touch electrifying his body. His gaze captivating him, keeping him trapped. He wouldn’t know where else to go anyway.

Ashton leans forward, his lips making contact with Luke’s bare should. His eyes immediately slip shut, trying to focus on his touch. But it’s too much and Luke loses control of his breath. He tilts his neck a bit when Ashton’s mouth start move up, leaving soft kisses along his neck, his jawline until he finally reaches Luke’s own lips.

But the contact is short and Luke whines a little when Ashton already pulls away. Ashton only smiles. “Let’s enjoy this beautiful night a little bit more,” he says, sitting down on the hardwood floor, pulling Luke with him in the process. 

“I can’t believe it’s your last night already,” Luke says, feeling a strange sense of sadness washing over him. “I mean, you just got here yesterday. I swear.”

Ashton is going to university now. He’s a music major. Luke can barely believe it. No more being together in the music room. He’s there now all alone. Sometimes Calum joins him, but it’s not nearly the same as with Ashton.

Ashton slowly shakes his head at him. “No, I got here two weeks ago,” he says, a little smile playing on his lips. “And I’m coming back in three months.” He squeezes Luke’s thigh. “But you can always come and visit me in the meantime.”

There is a mischievous grin playing around Ashton’s mouth when he kisses Luke again, a little longer and a little harder. It still leaves Luke breathless each time. He lays his head on Ashton’s shoulder, grabbing his wrist. His fingers brush on the lines that were once red and angry. Now they’ve faded to a dull purple colour. 

Ashton’s recovered a lot. He doesn’t feel as messed up as he used to. Since he went to university, he’s met some new people. People he genuinely likes, not like the assholes from high school. He can play more music than he ever has and he doesn’t constantly have the pressure of having to take care of his siblings. He feels slightly guilty about that, but his mum is so proud of him that he made into university.

“We should probably get back to bed,” Luke says, breaking the silence. Ashton nods his head, looking out of the window one more time before closing the curtain again. They crawl into bed together, pressing their bodies against each other and sharing their warmth.

\--

“You’re going to become a coffee addict, I swear,” Ashton chuckles as Luke sits down with his third cup of coffee. Luke only rolls his eyes at the older boy. Ashton pokes his cheek. “Don’t give me that look.”

“It’s your fault in anyway,” Luke says, giving Ashton a pointed look. “You have litres of coffee in your dorm. If you didn’t have so much, I wouldn’t drink so much.” Ashton only shakes his head at Luke’s ridiculous answer and goes back to whatever he is writing. “What are you doing anyway?”

Ashton looks up through his fringe. It’s gotten a lot longer, he could almost braid it. “Writing an assignment.” Luke takes a look at the paper in front of Ashton and sees something about the history of music. 

“Am I distracting you?” Luke asks, feeling a bit guilty.

“Kinda,” Ashton replies, making a face at the younger boy. “But then again, when are you not?” Luke chuckles and Ashton directs his attention back to his paper. Luke taps his fingers against the table, looking around the room.

Ashton’s dorm is a mess, but Luke didn’t really expect anything else. He lives here with three other guys. There are dirty plates, empty mugs and beer bottles, papers and pizza boxes everywhere. Except where they need to be, of course.

Luke hasn’t met Ashton’s roommates, but he says he’ll like them. Ashton told him they made him feel at home from day one. Luke is glad that Ashton is having fun at university, but he can’t help but feel a little jealous. His roommates for example, are around him every day, while sits at home and goes to his stupid high school. 

Ashton suddenly grabs Luke’s fingers. “Would you stop that?” he says, giving Luke a look while slowly releasing his fingers. 

Luke lets out big, dramatic sigh. “I’m bored,” he says. “Can’t we do something more fun than writing papers? You have at least another week to finish that. Don’t be such a nerd.” He emphasises his words by putting his hand right across Ashton’s paper.

“Come on, Luke. I don’t want to fail this.” He tries to pry Luke’s fingers away from the paper, but Luke isn’t having any of it. He takes a hold of it and holds it above his head. Luke’s grown a bit in the last few months and he is finally taller than Ashton. Much to the distaste of the older.

“Okay, I’m giving it back,” Luke compromises. “But you have to give me a kiss first.” Ashton rolls his eyes at the younger, but gets up anyway.

“You’re an asshole, did you know that?” he says, before pecking Luke’s lips. “Now give me back my paper.” Luke only shakes his head. “You’re being really childish.” Luke shrugs his shoulders. Ashton leans in to kiss him a little harder.

Luke drops the paper on the ground, grabbing Ashton’s waist and pulling him close. “So this was your plan all along?” Ashton asks, pulling back a little. Luke only nods his head, before diving in again. He licks Ashton’s lips, who opens his mouth even though he wanted to finish that paper. He’ll never be able to with Luke around anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this didn't ruin the story. And tell me if you find this okay. If you don't, I might delete again. Because I'm not really sure how to feel about this. When I started writing I thought it was okay, but I didn't really know how to feel when I finished it. 
> 
> So let me know what you think, please
> 
> -Sanne
> 
> ps: if you want to know, my tumblr is bandana-ash.tumblr.com. you can always talk to me on there as well, or request something. i never know what to write about anyway.


End file.
